2/7/10: a deeper cut

recently, i've lost a bit of my will to live. it seems like i haven't been getting anything that i want. i'm trying to be thankful, and i am. i compare myself to everyone (which is most of the world) who have it worse than me. how do they get through? and why? why bother? i just can't seem to understand. i feel obligated to go through each day. nothing i'm doing is going anywhere, and everything i try seems to fail. conversations have lost their life, and each hour rolls by so slowly. of course i have love for everyone, but my love for myself has seemed to vanish. each day is the same. another try, another effort. i just want to go back to bed. i've thought about killing myself. i've thought about it a lot over the past year. i feel so ashamed that i can't seem to enjoy all that God's blessed me with. even my bible seems to have turned it's back on me. my shame has in turn instilled fear, that Gods' anger will surge up and He'll curse me for not seeing past my circumstances. i often times feel very alone, even when i'm with my best friends, or talking with my family. sometimes those are the times when i feel the most alone. i talk about things, and no one understands. they're hardly even listening....or they just don't get it at all, and actually look at me like i'm crazy because i seem so far fetched.

why bother anymore? i'm trying to be me, doing the only things i seem to be good at, with absolutely no payoff. i feel like a failure. i've lost hope in my future and i can't imagine not fighting. i wake up every morning in angst, and i hate going to sleep. i reach for all sorts of things, sugar, caffeine, drugs, herb, booze, food. and nothing helps. i try praying, telling God everything, studying His word...having the faith and hope that He tells me to have, and i'm tired of these words. i'm tired of hearing people say, "it'll be ok...", "everything will be fine...", etcetcetc. i know they're trying to help, but after hearing these things for years with no changes having happened, will it really be ok? will i have a time where i'm genuinely happy? i sure hope so! but i really can't even imagine it. all i can imagine is struggle.